The Darkness in the Past
by Hitenssecrectlover
Summary: Bella retells her tramatic life from the begining. Darkness,rape, and other unpleasant scenes within.
1. Why?

It all started when I was a little girl, maybe 5 or 6 years old. I had been molested, at the time I had no idea what was being done but how would I being so young? The person, no monster, who did this to me, was someone I had trusted. Had trusted being the operative word, he was my step-brother a whole 9 years older than me. I don't know what possessed him to pull that crap on a little girl and I never got the chance to ask. Anymore I don't care for the reasoning. He ruined me.

I think the sickest part looking back on it was that he was never ashamed of doing it, even when he was caught by his father, my step-dad, in the act. Somehow in his eyes it had been my fault. Shortly after being found out he and the rest of his family left, never to been seen again. His mother even called mine saying that we were all lying, I felt so bad. Being so young I blamed myself, my step-dad never saw his boys again or his grandson.

I felt responsible, even though I was told it wasn't my fault. That was long ago in the past but not a whole lot has changed.

My relationships with guys since then have been less than normal. My name is Isabella Marie Swan and this is the story of how fucked up my life is.


	2. Loss of innocence

The first time I had sex, wasn't really my choice. At the time I thought it was but it was a twisted man preying upon young girls. I was 14 years old. My mother and step-dad had taken a break from each other so my mom was constantly working. Which let me, 14 years old, home alone most of the time. My friend, Kristen, a year older than me became my safe haven even though my mom didn't like her. We spent many a nights at her sister's, Allison, house. But unlike the so many times before, Allison had a new boyfriend, Kevin. Supposedly he had just gotten out of prison in another state for rape.

Kristen and I were typical teenage girls, thinking he was so cute but that's as far as it ever went. That is until one night when Kristen and I were doing some underage drinking, alone at her sisters. Allison was at work for the night. Around 11:00pm Kevin came in and started drinking with us, harmless right? Wrong the more drunk he got the more touchy feely he became with the both of us.

Kristen had gone upstairs to use the bathroom when he told me to meet him in the bathroom after she came back down. I was drunk so I nodded not knowing what I was getting myself into.

There are many times when I look back and wish I had listened to my mom, just stayed away. If I had been a good kid maybe this wouldn't have happened to me.

Kristen came back and I, a little too eagerly, ran upstairs to the bathroom. A few minutes later Kevin joined me. He told me to put my hands on the rim of the toilet and bend over, I listened. That's how I lost my innocence. There were no sweet nothings whispered, no comfort from the pain that came with losing my virginity. No, there was only him using me for his own gain. After he finished he told me not to tell Kristen. I went downstairs, oddly happy. I think that back then I thought that's how things were meant to be.

The blood started leaking from my used body, but instead of outing Kevin I asked if she had any feminine products saying I started my period. If only I had told her I would have been able to save her from my fate as well. But like I said at the time I didn't think it was wrong.

Later that night I passed out leaving Kristen alone with Kevin. I walked upstairs to use the bathroom, I hear Kristen calling my name. I didn't save, either I didn't want to or I couldn't I still don't know. So in one night my best friend and I were raped, whether or not we knew it.

Months after the incident I started dating a guy, who happened to be the nephew of Kevin. I went, without my mom's permission, to his house where Kevin happened to be. They offered to walk me home; they walked halfway there before they started fighting so I continued on by myself. Getting home my mom wasn't there; I ended up passing out on the couch. I woke up to someone touching me; in my sleepy haze I saw it was Kevin. How the hell did he get in my house without my 3 dogs hearing him? They always barked but they didn't give me any warning. He used me three times that night.

So my track record so far with guys isn't the best, my mom found out about Kevin when Kristen filed a rape suit against him and I somehow got involved. I had to admit to a bunch of strangers what happened to me; my mom sat beside me as I retold the ordeal.

There were a few boyfriends here and there most of them I slept with. We basically used each other, they wanted sex, and I wanted attention. It seemed normal to me, like that's how it was supposed to be. Needless to say I dated quite a few assholes, most cheated on me. My mom finally got so fed up with me she shipped me to Forks, Washington to live with my real dad, Charlie. And this is where I'm at, looking over my past relationships and wondering if I want to continue the way I am.


	3. Ancient Love

"Bells it's time for school" Charlie yelled.

'Great. I get be the new girl at school.' I thought getting dressed.

I had been pondering since I arrived in Forks whether or not to keep down the path I was heading. I had no clue where it would take me but it already brought me to the rainiest place on the U.S continent.

My own mother had abandoned me due to my promiscuousness and drinking, maybe also because she and Phil had gotten back together. I had to consider I wouldn't have anywhere else to go if Charlie decided I was a lost cause too. Was I really that horrible?

"Come on Bella" he yelled a final warning.

Grabbing my black messenger bag I yelled back, "I'm coming"

Reaching the bottom of the steps I see Charlie sitting in the kitchen reading the sports section.

"Are you taking me to school?" I asked

Looking up from the newspaper, a small smile passes his lips before he grabs something from his pants pocket.

"Come outside."

Okay I was confused. Soon though, I found out why he was being weird. There sitting in the drive was an ancient Chevy. Oh my heavens I was in love with the reddish orange beat up truck.

My arms flung around Charlie, almost knocking him over, "Thank you, I love it!"

"I knew you would, I bought it off my friend Billy, you remember Billy don't you? You and his son used to play together when you were little."

I vaguely remembered a little tan boy but that was it.

"I kind of remember." I told him honestly.

With a chuckle he shipped me off to school. I was happy to go, getting to drive my wicked awesome new truck.

On the drive to school I had to ask myself again, how did I want go about being the new girl. Did I want to wipe my slate clean and keep to myself or keep on getting used?

I know that it should have been an easy answer, to most it would be a no brainer but with me it was not the case. I was so messed up and I couldn't blame it on my past either. I was the one who took everything that happened to me and ran the opposite direction. When most would avoid men like the plague, I ran towards them, finding the attention they gave filling a void within me.

All too soon I arrived at Forks High, pulling into a parking space my truck backfired. All the kids laughed. I didn't care; I patted the dash board telling my baby to ignore the truck haters. A loud squeak resonated through the packed parking lot as I opened the door, "Don't worry my precious I'll get you all fixed up when I get home".

Hey don't judge, this was my first vehicle.

I grabbed my bag out before shutting the door and heading to the hell hole known as high school.


	4. Calling for help

First period wasn't too horrible but by lunch time I wanted to off myself. I hated being the new girl, everyone seemed to watch and judge at the drop of a hat. Even the ones who didn't say a word to me, they just whispered as I walked by. Let's just say it got old quick.

I was rounding the corner trying to find my way to my next class, which by the way decided to hide from me, when I ran into a rock solid body, effectively throwing off my already wobbly balance. Looking up I forgot about me falling on my ass, this guy was hot, really super sexy hot.

I realized I was staring and quickly dropped my gaze to my feet. He chuckled offering me a large tanned hand. I accepted but still kept my gaze away from his.

"You must be new here." His deep voice washed over me.

I nodded not trusting my ability to speak.

"The names Embry, Embry Call. Your Bella Swan right?"

Again I nodded.

"You're not much of a talker are you?" he quipped.

I sighed, "I am I just hate being new. I'm sorry if I came off as rude." I apologized.

"No big deal I was new last year. I transferred from the Reservation's school, fyi they don't care for outsiders much."

"Why were you an outsider?" this guy was interesting, he didn't seem to judge me off the bat. It was refreshing.

"Well my mom isn't Quileute she's from the Makah tribe. My father left her before I was even born. I moved here after I was 2 years old. They really haven't liked me since." He explained.

Suddenly I felt awful for Embry; he had it worse off than I did.

"Well I think they're missing out on knowing a wonderful person." I stated as a matter of fact-ly.

He blushed, it was so cute.

Clearing his throat, "Do you need help finding your class?"

I fidgeted with my backpack, "I don't want to make you go out of your way."

I was being ridiculous, my nerves around him just frayed like the end of a freshly cut ribbon.

A perfect white smile appeared on his bronze face, "I'll be the judge of that. What do you have?"

Pulling my schedule from my binder I located my next class, "Uh…biology with Mr. Molina."

His smile widened further, "Well you're in luck, I'm heading that way."

As he led the way, I couldn't help but think about my earlier debate. I decided that I was wiping my slate clean, if only to be friends with this awesome guy.

A left and a long walk later we arrived in front of the biology class I wouldn't have found on my own. I swear they tucked this class away in the back of the school just to make new kids lose their minds.

I was about to thank Embry when he walked into the classroom no wonder he smiled, we had the same class.

"Mr. Call glad you could join us." I walked in in time to hear Mr. Molina tell Embry.

"Ah Miss Swan you may sit next to Mr. Call."

I felt the need to clarify about Embry, "Mr. Molina, he was late trying to help me find this class." I point my thumb in Embry's direction.

Mr. Molina just nodded.

"Very well then, lets gets started shall we." He said rolling the projector in front of the screen then shutting the lights off.

From that point it pretty much sounded repetitive, I had already learned half the stuff that was being taught. A piece of paper being shoved at me caught my attention.

_Would you like to hang out sometime? You know black sheep to black sheep._

So he already noticed the way the other kids treated me like a leper.

_That would be awesome, but it's like a friend thing right? Not a date?_

His face showed no signs of rejection as he read my note.

_No, no date. I think we both could use a friend. Dating complicates things._

Oh I think we would be great friends.

_Then yes. Anytime._

He gave a bright disarming smile, it seemed like it was the first time he smiled in a long time. And I vowed right then to be the best friend I could and keep that smile on his face.


	5. Sweet release

My sophomore year passed by without much incident other than the occasional glaring, not that I cared much. If they wanted to waste their time more power to them.

Embry and I had become really close; he was my best and only friend. We were starting our junior year, which sucked. Embry and I had absolutely no classes together so I was alone all day as was he. I had found an acquaintance outside of school in Jacob Black, Charlie's friend's son. He was ok but he lived on the Rez and I had to wonder if he was one that shunned Embry. I never had the guts to ask, either one of them.

Our junior year together was spent outside of school seeing as how we didn't see each other all day. Until one day it stopped completely. Embry didn't show up for school and when I called his house his mom said he was sick and I couldn't see him. It broke my heart. He was my best friend and without him I had no one.

This went on for a week. Finally I was sick of it and asked what was up, his mom said that she withdrew him from school and he was going back to the Rez. She would never let me talk to him; he never tried to call.

Charlie was starting to get worried about me, I wouldn't eat, and I didn't want to go to school anymore. I just wasn't Bella without Embry. He had fixed me when everyone else deemed me broken.

The window and the rocking chair became my new haven, the only place where I could find some semblance of peace. I stared out my window not really seeing, trying to figure out if I had done something to push him away.

The night at the end of our sophomore year stuck out in my memory. Was that where it all went wrong?

We had tried to have a relationship other than friendship and it ended in an awkward night of us sleeping together, vowing at the end of it all that we were better as friends. We never spoke of that night but could it be the reason he didn't want to talk to me now, many months after the incident.

I was beating myself up and I wish he would tell me something to stop the madness I was putting myself through.

Crazy, that's the road I was currently skipping down. You know that road that intersects Heartache and runs parallel to Pissed off.

I kept thinking it was something I did or didn't do. Did he want a relationship with me? Had we overstepped the friendship line so badly that it could not be repaired?

I screamed out in frustration, throwing anything he had gotten me against the wall. I was so glad Charlie was at work.

I suddenly felt the need to do something I hadn't done in a while, cutting. I had done quite a few self-destructive things in the past, cutting was one of them.

I ran downstairs into the kitchen grabbing a knife, looking at the clock. Charlie wouldn't be home for a couple hours so I was good.

I quickly hopped up the steps; excited to erase some of the pain I was feeling.

Before I had sliced my thighs, so they wouldn't be seen easily. So tradition dictated I use the same area.

Pulling my shorts up, I ran the knife across the delicate flesh adding pressure as I reach the center of my thigh. A beautiful line of red laid in the wake of the emotional release. A single tear rolled down my cheek but not due to pain. The release of all my pain was so great, it was liberating. Cutting did the one thing that crying for the rest of my life couldn't achieve, even if it was only temporary, peace.

My world wouldn't be clouded with pain, for a moment the aching would lift replaced with relief. The vicious cycle would continue until you looked butchered or until the pain would fade. I wasn't sure what would happen to me, but in this minute I didn't care. I just wished for it all to end.

I smacked myself.

No, this is not the Bella that would do this anymore. I can't do that to Charlie or Embry, even if he wasn't talking to me.

NO I should confront him, not destroy what I have worked so hard for. I can't, no I won't go back to the old me. This was my second chance and here I'm screwing it up.

With new determination I cleaned up the new cut and got dressed. I was going to fix me and Embry, whether he liked it or not.


	6. Misery loves my company

Hopping in my truck, I double pump the clutch like I was told and turned the key, the Chevy roared to life. Pulling out of the drive I hung a right heading to La Push to confront the jerk of a friend, Embry. Upon reaching his house I sat in my truck, my earlier courage faded leaving me fearful. I know he was my friend and I shouldn't be afraid but I was scared of him rejecting me.

I must have been sitting there long enough as Ms. Call came out of the house with a sorrowful expression. I forced myself from the safety of my truck and met her halfway.

"Bella, you shouldn't be here." Her voice strained with sadness.

"I know but I have to see him. If there was something I did wrong, I need to apologize. I just have to know something, anything." I begged her, tears against my will leaked out.

I felt my legs giving out, I didn't stop them.

"What did I do? It had to be something I did wrong, he wouldn't just leave me like this." I was bawling at this point.

She just stood there with glossy eyes, "I'm sorry Bella but you need to go, Embry…he doesn't want to see you anymore. And I would appreciate if you don't come back here." By the end of her speech she had tears streaming down her tanned face but she held strong.

I nodded pulling myself together enough to climb back into the truck. Faintly I heard a wolf howling in the woods, it sounded so heart broken. I could relate.

Through bleary eyes I left the Call residence and headed for the beach, I couldn't go home and face Charlie in the state I was in. I wouldn't want him to decide I was a lost cause and throw me out too.

It took but a matter of minutes before I arrived at the empty beach, for that I was glad. The wind was fiercer without any trees blocking it but I didn't care at this point, Embry didn't want to see me. I once again was all alone in this world.

The tears that has subsided enough for me to drive returned in a body wracking sob. I curled against a fallen log silently crying, it didn't work for long as I screamed in despair. I laid there for a while berating myself for something I may have done to deserve this treatment from Embry. My body started shaking from the cold that was seeping onto my bones. Not yet ready to go home I got up and ran into the darkening forest.

I ran until I came upon a hidden grotto, no one would ever find me here. I could stay hidden from the world in the comfort of my misery, it sounded like a perfect idea.

Pulling back the ivy covered entrance I scanned the cave making sure there were no inhabitants after finding none I sat in the back of the rocky interior and cried more. I hoped I would run out of tears soon.

I don't know how long I sat in the pitch black cave nor did I care. I really didn't care if anyone found me. I didn't care in general anymore.

My sadness consumed my entire being; the need for food didn't register, neither did the need for warmth.

Sometime during my pity party I had fallen asleep. In my dreams I dreamed of a man, he looked similar to Embry but not quite. He whispered something in my ear before backing up. All of a sudden the man that was standing before me shifted into an abnormally large dark grey wolf. I wasn't scared like I should have been; instead I walked right up to the wolf and pet the silky fur on his head.

I awoke to hot arms cradling me, we were walking but in my state I couldn't make out anything besides blurs. I figured I would either die by this person or they would bring me home. Not caring in either case I fell back into a deep sleep.

A few times I gained and then lost consciousness, hearing tidbits of a conversation.

_Truck is at the beach…in a cave…she's ok…just cold._

They must have been talking about me but who was Charlie talking to? I had heard the man's voice before but I couldn't pinpoint it with my hazy mind. After hearing the few words darkness pulled me in for a nice little recap of my lovely life.

_Why are you doing this to yourself Bella? I can't take it anymore, I can't help you._

_I'll come over in a bit. Is your mom gone? Good, we'll have fun._

_Just try it, I did it and I'm fine. Just snort it like this, and chase it with some vodka. Later we'll smoke a joint._

_Don't worry, we won't get in trouble just rip the tag off and shove it in your purse._

_You can't see Embry. Please just stay away._

I woke up, sweating pouring off me. My sheets had an imprint of my body in dampness. I got up heading straight for the shower; I needed to get the grime of yesterday's events off my body.

After getting dressed I snuck downstairs seeing if Charlie was home, luck was not on my side.

"Isabella Marie, what on Earth possessed you to stay out in the woods at night?" Charlie asked concerned but furious.

I jumped not expecting the interrogation to start so soon.

"I-I"I choked not knowing what to say.

"I need an answer Bella. Whatever you have been doing needs to stop before you hurt yourself." He said in a softer tone.

I nodded not trusting my voice to not break.

"You're staying home from school today but you are going back Monday. I would like you to go down to La Push and thank them for sending a search party out for you. If it wasn't for them you may not be here right now." His voice laced with sadness at the prospect of me not being alive.

Maybe I had it wrong, maybe Charlie wouldn't dump me like my mom had. Maybe I had something worth living for.


	7. The halfnaked truth

Charlie had given me directions to Sam's house; I guess he was the one who organized the search party. A wave of shame and guilt hit me. I made Charlie worry; I made people who didn't know me search for me like a lost dog. On top of that I had to thank them, thanking them wasn't the bad part. It was the reasoning why they had to look for me. It was entirely my fault. Just because I couldn't handle my life, my emotions, like a normal person could.

How could I face a bunch of strangers? Would they judge me?

Why do I care if people I didn't know judged me, it happened every day at school, why would this be any different?

All too soon I pulled up to a quaint little cottage style home, with a group of half-naked guys outside.

Wait that one looked like…are you kidding me?!

This is where Embry took off to?

By this time I was fuming, I was flat out pissed. This is what he left our friendship for? To hang out with a gang of ripped guys.

They all stopped and looked at me with something akin to horror etched in their handsome faces.

Good. They needed to be scared. The idea of thanking them was now just a whisper on the wind.

Getting out of my truck I quickly hoofed it to the stunned group of shirtless guys. They were going to get an earful about taking my best friend from me.

I strode up to Embry first, punching him as hard as I could in the face. It hurt like hell but made my anger fade a degree.

"That's for ignoring me you ass" I said before stomping back to my truck. The rest of my plan went to hell when I saw the pain in his eyes and it wasn't from my wicked right hook.

Before I made it back to my truck I felt a hand on my arm, I was ready to throw another punch if need be. I didn't care that I was supposed to be here to give gratitude; they had stolen my Embry from me, gratefulness be damned.

I froze not wanting to see who was touching me, but the strangely warm hand seemed familiar.

"That was some punch" the deep, also familiar, voice said.

Really that's why he stopped me to say I punched well?

"Is that all or can I leave? Sorry to say but your praises don't really mean shit to me." Venom dripping from every word, I just wanted to get out of here and go cry.

"You hurt yourself didn't you? Why don't you come in and have Emily look at it" he said completely ignoring my previous statement.

The pain in my hand decided then would be a good time to make an appearance. The throbbing was almost unbearable, almost.

"I'm fine, it doesn't hurt one bit." I said through clenched teeth, still not looking at my captor.

"Suit it yourself babe" he said before I was hefted over his shoulder.

My new position gave me a lovely view of his toned back and…nope not going there his body may be finger licking good but I would not think like that. I should be mad right now, not checking this stranger out. I heard someone growling, wait who growled?

"Paul put her down" that was Embry's voice. Oh hell no he can't ignore me for weeks on end then be all protective.

"No way cowboy you don't get to have a say in my life, since you dropped out of it without a word. Just back off. And you" I said punching the back of Paul; I guess his name is, with my good hand.

"Put me down. I'm not a sack of potatoes you can haul around."

He just chuckled.

When he finally set me down on a chair in what I was guessing was the kitchen I was ready to bolt out the door. But when he finally set me down my eyes traveled up his body to his face.

He had cocky grin plastered on, "Do you see some-"he cut off and just stared at me. I couldn't help but feel draw into his dark brown eyes.

Hours, minutes, seconds they didn't matter I felt like I was at home when I looked in his inviting chocolaty orbs. I vaguely felt a smile creep up on my lips, where was all this happiness coming from?

It seemed almost as if the world stopped turning and time stood still just for this moment, just so we could gaze at one another. I wanted to feel his arms around me, to be submerged in all that he was, that no other place was safer than by his side.

A loud snarl snapped me out of it, then suddenly I was frightened of those feelings I had felt.

I wanted to run, hoping that everything that happened would stay behind so I could escape them.

The snarling continued I looked up to the doorway to see Embry; the noise was coming out of him.

A man that was taller than the rest told Paul and Embry to take it outside. Good this way I could get the hell out of here.

Too bad someone above had it out for me today.

The man that ordered the guys outside sat next to me, I fidgeted under his intense gaze.

"I'm sorry" he said his eyes looking tired. Whoa wait why he was apologizing?

My confusion must have made him want to explain.

"There are many things in this world that you don't know, we are one of them." He said cryptically.

What was he talking about? An extremely loud growl made me run to the door. I didn't want to believe what I saw but still I walked forward to watch what was ensuing.

The dark grey wolf from my dreams was standing, snarling next to a lighter grey one. I knew right then that the dark one was Paul and the other was Embry.

They were having a pretty severe fight, well it was to me. The other guys sat around watching amused. I think I heard them taking bets on who would win the fight.

I broke from my stupor, seeing giant wolves can do that to people, and walked up to the one I figured was Sam.

"What the hell is this? Is this why Embry didn't want to see me anymore? And what in god's name happened with that Paul guy?" I wanted answers and I wanted them now.

Everything went eerily silent, "We are the protectors of our people and our secret is to only be known by us and the elders, so yes this is why Embry _couldn't_ see you. He is newly phased and not in control of his wolf yet, he could unintentionally hurt you. And what happened with Paul…it's not my place to tell you."

Wow that was a lot to take in, wolves, Embry being one and something I feared was more shocking than everything combined.


	8. For every up there is a down

In a moment my body had deemed appropriate, I obviously had no say in the matter, darkness crept into my vision blacking out the calls of my name. I awoke to voices yelling, which my already pounding head did not enjoy one bit.

"Will whoever is yelling, please shut the hell up" I moaned angrily.

The room quieted but I could feel the tension without even opening my eyes to know it was there. Regrettably I had to eventually open my eyes and face the two spastic wolf men. What the hell was Paul's deal anyways? Another reason I had to face the music, I had to get all my questions answered and for some reason Paul had the answers.

With eyes still locked shut, "Will everyone except Paul leave please."

I heard a not so pleased growl; I'm guessing I was from Embry.

"You heard the pretty lady, out" Paul taunted.

A final huff and the room went silent, "They're gone now." He assured.

I cracked a peek to be on the safe side; sure enough the room had been cleared. The only person left was a tall well-muscled Paul with a cocky grin on his chiseled face. Wow I needed to quit thinking like that.

I sat up slowly, not wanting another fainting spell. Though my eagerness to get answers had no reins to control it.

"Alright, spill, now!" I demanded, not wanting to spend any longer than I had to with any of these people.

"Whatever do you mean?" he replied less than innocently.

I grabbed his arm, my fingers not even close to reaching around his forearm. "You know what I'm talking about, back in the kitchen when we stared at each other."

The cocky, guarded hardness of his eyes dissipated leaving softness to them. "Sam told you of wolves right?" I nodded.

"Well there's something that comes with the whole wolfy package but not all of us are lucky enough to get the bonus prize. It's called imprinting, Sam and Jared are the only ones so far that have imprinted. And before you ask what imprinting is I have to ask you to hear me out and not take off screaming. Ok?" he asked seriously.

"I promise" I sort of felt like I was signing my like away with that promise.

"Alright imprinting is when a wolf finds its soul mate, the one who completes him. It's when nothing else matters more than her, when you would do anything, be anything for her whether it's a friend, a brother, a lover, it doesn't matter. She grounds you and without her you would float away into an abyss. Imprinting for a wolf is final, no matter what the imprint decides, there will be no other girl. And I have to tell you…" he paused seeming nervous for the first time since meeting him.

"What do you have to tell me?" I coaxed.

He looked me with such gentleness, it made me melt inside. That feeling alone had me questioning my sanity.

"I imprinted on you" his words void of confidence that he moments before exuded.

My world stopped, I was his soul mate? He was the one who was supposed to complete me? What did I want from him? All the questions wouldn't stop swirling around in my mind. What was I supposed to say?

I had been told in one day that a group of guys shift into wolves, that one of the wolves was my best friend that's why he left me and that I had been imprinted on by the jerk of the bunch. What the hell was the traditional thing to say in a moment like this? Well this wasn't normal every day drama like typical teenagers went through. God who the hell was I going to talk to about this? My breathing became labored; I was having a panic attack. Getting light headed I knew where it would land me and my last thought before the darkness consumed my vision was, 'What a way to answer the poor guy.'


	9. Not yet ready

Coming back to the crazy world I call my life I was already being cracked on, "Wow two times in one day that's got to be a record." The amusement was overshadowed by the concern that oozed into the words whether intentional or not.

"Ha-ha, make fun of a girl when she's down why don't ya." In truth I felt like I had been run over by a semi-truck and then fell off a bridge and rolled down a hill. You get the idea, I hurt like hell. I had to wonder why I ached so badly, I only passed out.

"Why do I hurt so bad?" I questioned to whoever was listening.

"Paul got a little carried away when he caught you and may or may not have held you too tightly." An amused voice said it was followed up with twin growls. I didn't have to be conscious to know who was growling.

"You two knock it off, I haven't even been around a whole day and the growling every 5 seconds is already getting annoying." I grumped.

The growls tapered off to rumbles much to my pleasure.

I slowly sat up for the second time in one day, which does have to be a record. I shook my head trying to get my mind back on track, which only resulted in making the room spin and my stomach turn.

"Ok I just have to ask, was I in the real world when I was told you guys are wolves?" I asked making sure I hadn't taken a trip to Wonderland or anything.

"Yeah Bells you heard right." Embry spoke up.

I was still pissed at him, I mean I get that he couldn't tell me or see me but damn there's an invention called a phone. He could have at least put me out of my misery instead of making me resort to my old ways.

"You could have called jerk." I didn't bother looking at him, I couldn't.

A heavy sigh broke the awkward silence, "I couldn't Bella." He went to hug me but was met by a very irritated Paul. I saw blurs from my peripheral followed by extremely hot hands on my arms, too hot. Not like Paul's perfectly temperatured body.

"Get off of her, now" Paul snapped.

I couldn't take much more of the macho man shit. I could understand Paul because I was his imprint; he wanted to protect me, even if protecting me from Embry was ridiculous.

"Ok Kujo off of me, and you -I pointed to Paul-need to relax" His face showed he wasn't happy about it but he let it go. Embry on the other hand took the opportunity to pull me into his embrace.

"Embry let up, I'm still pissed at you and that's not going to change in the blink of an eye." His grip lessened but not enough for my liking.

I had to literally pry myself out of his arms only to be scooped by Paul but for some reason being in his arms didn't bother me like I thought it would. Man I how did I end up in this predicament?


	10. Annoying wolf traits

While being smashed against Paul, can't say I minded, I had to wonder what events lead me to been surrounded by human shifting wolves or would that be wolf shifting humans. Gah I'm confused just thinking about it.

I had just come here to thank them for finding me and I ended up finding out that shifters exist and by default that vampires do as well. Not to mention I have a soul mate that happens to be the most cocky, tan, ripped…getting off track. He's overprotective and my best friend is also a wolf who thinks he has the right to have a say in my life after spending so much time out of it.

I seriously need an aspirin or some other pain reliever right now, between almost being squeezed to death and the incessant growling. Well I may not need the meds if I just go crazy first. I haven't decided which one it will be.

"Let her go I need to talk to my friend." Embry snarled, breaking me from my crazy induced trance.

I sighed; this conversation had been going on for the last 20 minutes. And I mean the **same** one, Embry says let her go, Paul says no, they growl at each other and it starts all over again. I guess I have no say in the matter because anytime I tell them to shut up I get completely ignored. But the moment I try to pull from Paul's side, his attention is on me for a total of three blinks. And then he's off yelling at Embry again.

Yep, this is my lovely screwed up life.

Finally getting sick of it all I hit Paul's shoulder, hey it was the highest I could reach while glued to his side, and realized my hand still hurt like a son of a bitch.

A small whimper of pain and the whole room silenced.

"I'm so sorry babe I forgot about your hand." His concern was sweet. He led me into the kitchen where a tanned woman was cooking.

"Hey Emily can you fix up her hand, I think it may be broken." He asked the petite woman. She turned around and gave a kind smile; I immediately knew she and I would get along. When she was facing me fully I could she three deep scarred over gashes across her otherwise flawless face.

I held out my hand not staring at her scars, "Nice to meet you, I'm Bella."

She shook it, her warm smile never leaving her face.

It was then I realized that Paul had retreated back to the living room, most likely to argue some more. I just rolled my eyes at his hot headed behavior. Emily picked up on my thoughts, "He's not so bad, a bit of a temper but otherwise a good guy. And he's already a lot more mellow with you imprinting on him." Well not that I would know I had known him for a whole 2 minutes before he imprinted on me.

"I just can't stand the tension between him and Embry. I feel like a freaking chew toy." She laughed.

"You will come to realize that wolves are very protective of what is considered theirs. Being an imprint you are his as much as he is yours." I knew that last part was added to pacify my dislike of being considered a possession.

"I just don't understand why Embry's pissed. He gets to see me now and doesn't have to hide it from me." I couldn't figure out his problem, unless it was because he really did have feelings towards me that were more than what's considered friendly. Red started creeping onto my chest and cheeks as I thought about the time we slept together. I just hoped Paul never found out or this could make things worse than they already were.

"Well were you and Embry just friends?" She asked seemingly knowing where my thought laid; it was kind of creepy the way she did it.

"Yeah…well…yeah" I didn't really want to go into detail with all the pack in the other room.

"You seem unsure." There was a hint of teasing in her voice.

I just shook my head back in forth, indicating now was not the time to talk about it.

"Well if you did Paul would see it anyway." She said with growing smirk at my shocked expression.

'Fuck me, this cannot be happening' I wanted to cry. This really couldn't be good.

"How?" she gave a knowing smile. Damn her all-knowing looks.

"They have a link to one another's mind when they're in their wolf forms. So what one thinks the rest can hear. Maybe if something happened with you and Embry, Paul could be reacting to it."

Crap.

My life on the suck-o-meter just went from a 6 to a 10.


	11. Confession that rocks the foundation

My hand temporarily forgotten, I walked back into the living room that housed the pack. With a determined air about me I grabbed Paul's hand, leading him outside. Luckily he followed willingly; I don't think I could have moved him otherwise.

I walked further into the woods away from prying ears, after a minute he spoke up. "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere we can talk without others listening." He nodded.

After we made it a safe distance from the pack, I turned to face him for a surely embarrassing conversation.

Taking a deep breath to calm my raging thoughts, "Paul you know that Embry and I have a past other than friends, don't you?

His head dropped, blocking my view of his face but the slight bob of his head confirmed my fears.

"It was a onetime thing and it was awkward as hell, well for me it was. I don't know what you saw in his head but he told me he had felt the same." I stood there in complete silence letting him absorb what I had told him.

His face was still hidden, making me even more worried.

In that moment I had to wonder if the imprinting was all some voodoo crap or if it only amplified the feelings that were already present because I felt like an emotional mess. How would that explain me feeling like I wanted to do everything in my power to make Paul happy. Ugh didn't I have enough issues to deal with?

"I don't hold it against you Bella, I swear. It's just that Embry's rubbing it in my face that he had you before me. Like when we phased all he thought about was sleeping with you, kissing you. It's driving me and my wolf crazy." I could tell being open was not his forte but I was happy that he was trying.

"Well then maybe he does deserve a couple of tongue lashings but not from you. I will tell you this now if he starts crap while you are phased you can kick his wolfy butt all you want or until Sam splits it up." I tried to lighten the mood but I was serious, I was going to lay into Embry for all his crap.

I was rewarded with a light chuckle and that sexy smirk back on his face.

"Now that's what I'm talking about, I like your smirk better than your angry face." His smirk grew as he stepped closer, our bodies so close but not yet touching.

A voice in the back of my head screamed at me to close the distance, to wrap myself around his body but with a lot less clothes. Whoa little voice needed to slow its roll.

A blush decorated my cheeks giving away my inner thoughts. He chuckled and it was so freaking sexy. My pink blush turned a deep shade of red at the direction of my thoughts.

Through his amusement, he reached out and caressed my face; I leaned into his hand savoring in the warmth of it. I can't believe how my body melted at the simplest of his touches.

During my internal musings I failed to notice how close his face was in accordance to my own, my heartbeat picked up giving away anxiousness.

My eyes darted from his darkening eyes to his perfectly sculpted lips. I knew we both felt the pull towards each other and man did I want to kiss him but maybe not this soon.

On cue Embry stomped over to us, "You guys were taking too long to come back." His agitation was evident, more like pouring off of him in waves.

Paul growled low, if I wasn't so close to him I may have not heard it. I laid my hand on his arm in an attempt to calm him.

"Paul why don't you head back Embry and I will follow shortly." I could tell he was pissed about it but he was trying to trust me. I had to wonder where his trust issues had come from but that would be a talk for a later date. Right now I had to deal with an ass of a friend who thought it would be cool to torture my imprint.

Embry had a cocky grin on his face and in that moment I wanted to smack it right off his face. I wasn't really a violent person but there was a protectiveness about Paul that brought out the worst in me.

As Paul faded from my sight I started in on Embry, friend or not he was being a complete dick.

"What gives you the right?" I asked with my arms folded over my chest.

His eyes widened, obviously he had expected alone time with me to go a different direction. For the millionth time I had to wonder if he had actual feelings for me.

My foot tapped against the forest floor making a soft thump, I was beyond ticked.

"Well?" He jumped on board with dangling our one night stand in front of Paul but has nothing to say to me?

"I-I…Bella-" I wasn't here to hear an excuse.

"No you were being a dick Embry and you know it. Don't try to cover it up with some half assed excuse. Paul imprinted on me and from what I gathered it's not going to undo itself so you need to get over it."

He at least had the decency to look ashamed of his actions but that wasn't enough, he had already been breaking down a relationship that wasn't even a day old. I had to make it perfectly clear that I was accepting Paul's imprint; nothing was going to change that.

"But Bella, I love you." He whispered, his eyes shining with unshed tears. I tried to look for any deception in his declaration but found none. He really did love me.

Oh shit.


	12. Truth be told

_Oh no, no, no, no, NO! _

He didn't just tell me he loved me, he did not just mess with my already unsteady emotions.

I wanted to cry, to pound my fists on his bare chest out of the unfairness of it all.

When I had first shown up in Forks I would have died to hear him tell me those three words but now it filled me with anger and sadness.

Anger because he had over a year to tell me his revelation, I mean for gods sakes we slept together and he was the one who said it was like fucking his sister. It was awkward for me as well but he may have been the one to make it that way.

Sadness filled me, overtaking my anger. This may just be the reason I lose my best friend, because he couldn't tell me sooner. I would have to break him if I wanted to proceed with Paul, which I did. Never in my life would I have wanted to hurt Embry yet here I was considering it, for my own happiness.

Disgust overwhelmed me at my choice. How could I sit back and knowingly hurt Embry? But in the same breath, how could I refuse Paul? It would be like refusing a part of my soul to give him up.

A chuckle of exasperation passed my lips.

When my mother told me life was a bitch, she wasn't kidding. The gods or whoever was out there were cruel and unkind. Controlling love watching as it crumbled in humanities hands, watching all the suffering unrequited love caused. They were a bunch of asses.

Taking a deep cleansing breath I tried to calm my raging emotions.

Maybe this wasn't about Embry or Paul, a small part of my conscious added. I thought about it.

I didn't want to hurt either of them, but was I being selfish in not emotionally choosing one.

_Yes_, a little voice whispered back.

I cared for Embry, yes, but I knew my life was with Paul. He was, after all, my imprint. So why couldn't I just release Embry into the world so he could find a woman who loved him as much as he loved her. Yes, at first he would be upset with Paul and I but in time maybe he could come to see that I did him a favor by not holding on to something that was never mine to begin with.

With determination set I faced his pleading eyes, "We aren't meant to be Embry. Friends, we're good at but as a couple we wouldn't work." He was getting ready to open his mouth but I beat him to it. "Paul is my imprint and I intend to accept it. Maybe you should too."

I forced myself to look into his eyes even though I was dying to stare at the ground. His eyes held so much hurt it made me want to fall to my knees and cry.

He stepped closer to me and for some reason I let him close the distance that remained. His lips pressed to mine in a chaste kiss, a final farewell. I allowed it, knowing it was his form of closure.

Pulling back he offered me a sad smile before he took off into the woods. I heard the tell-tale sounds of clothing ripping so I knew he had phased.

I stood in the middle of the forest frozen, was this all real?

Getting your soul mate and losing your best friend all in one day seemed kind of farfetched but it was true.

The woods became silent, as if mourning alongside my friend. Not a bird chirped, not a breeze blew, and no creature dared move to interrupt the quiet that had befallen. All was still and I took a moment to appreciate it and let everything sink in.

Suddenly the wind picked up and nature resumed as if nothing had happened, it was odd to say the least.

With one down, I returned to the small house, emotionally drained from the day's events. Even passing out as much as I had didn't given the reprieve needed. Instead of heading toward the house I walked to my truck after saying out loud I needed to go home and get some sleep. They were wolves I knew they would hear me, even from inside. With that done I headed home, daydreaming of my soft comfy bed that had my name on it.

**A/N Alright I've had a little trouble writing this chapter so I hope you enjoyed it, if not I am truly sorry. Please review and let me know what you thought.**


	13. Greetings

I awoke from my sleep, not feeling the least bit refreshed even after sleeping 12 plus hours. Begrudgingly, I got out of bed and headed for the bathroom to take a nice hot shower.

Turning the hot water on, I stepped into the shower, hissing a little as the hot water cascaded down my back. The sting of the temperature was overshadowed by the loosening of my tension filled muscles.

Yesterday had done a number on my body, emotionally and physically. I knew today wouldn't be any better. Paul would want to talk and Embry, well he was probably going to be gone for a while. I felt so guilty for hurting my best friend and wished it could have ended up differently.

_No you don't. _A condescending voice whispered.

I sighed.

The voice was right, as much as I didn't want to hurt Embry, I wouldn't want to give up Paul either. It was odd to think that way since I had only known Paul for a day and I was already feeling so tied to him. I was willing to give up my friendship and possibly more just to be with a guy I had known for not even a day. In retrospect it sounded crazy; to any normal person it would be nuts but obviously I wasn't destined to follow the path of a normal person.

Getting dressed I headed downstairs, to be greet by Charlie attempting to make breakfast. I needed to jump in before he burnt down the house.

"Hey dad, I can handle breakfast. Why don't you go watch sports center?" I offered.

He gave a grunt in response.

I don't know why he even tried to cook; the man could burn air if given the chance.

In no time at all I had a nice breakfast made, bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches. They were my favorite.

I put two on a plate for Charlie and called him into the kitchen.

"Good choice." He said approvingly.

I hummed in response, already halfway through my first sandwich.

"So did you go thank Sam Uley yesterday?"

I about hacked on my food, "Yeah I did dad."

"And?" he urged.

"And what?" I replied.

"Bell's you were gone for half the day. You couldn't have said thanks and left." He deduced.

Damn my dad and his cop abilities.

"Yeah well Embry was there and I met his friends. Oh by the way you might be seeing more of one of them." I told him vaguely.

"Them? Is it a guy Bella? And are you talking to Embry again?" He asked warily.

"Yes, his names Paul and yes." I knew he wasn't going to like any of my answers.

"I can't say I approve, of any of it but you're old enough to decide who you want to associate with." He said with a frustrated sigh.

A smile crossed my face," Thank you for trusting my choices."

He gave me a light bob of his head.

"Alight well I'm going to work, got called in because of some animal attacks the next town over." He explained.

"Be safe dad."

"I always am." He replied.

Xxxxx

The whole day went by slowly, after cleaning the kitchen there was nothing left to do so I opted to read, Wuthering Heights, my most favorite book ever. The pages were worn from the many times I had read it.

Halfway through the book there was a knock on the door, I carefully creased the corner of the page I was on and went to see who was at the door.

Opening the door, I didn't recognize who it was, "Hello? May I help you?" I asked.

"Yes I'm Edward Cullen and I was wondering…" he broke off. This man was odd; there was something off about him that I couldn't place.

"I'm sorry," He whispered apologetically, before I saw black.

**A/N So, as I have said in my other stories, I do not like Edward. Now I will not make him evil, more like struggling. Tell me what you think so far.**


	14. Loss

My head was pounding with such ferocity, it almost made me sick. Slowly opening my eyes, panic started to flood my system. I had no idea where I was, the only thing that I could make out was the fire that burned brightly in the center of the darkness. I knew that I had to be outdoors with such a large fire going. But who had brought me here?

The image of a copper haired man at my front door floated tauntingly through my memory but nothing more. I gave my head a gentle shake, trying to make more memories appear but it only resulted in making me dizzy.

Who was I?

I wracked my brain, searching for something to indicate who I was or a name, anything. I was only greeted with brief flashes of deep brown eyes.

An unnatural breeze swept by me, my eyes darted around the area, looking for the source.

Suddenly a man appeared in front of me, he had the coppery hair from my memory. Who was he to me?

"Who are you?" I asked uncertainly. He tilted his head to the side, trying to gauge me.

"Edward Cullen." He replied in a deceivingly smooth voice.

"Who am I?" He looked taken aback by my question. He slowly walked towards me like I was ready to flee at any moment.

"You don't remember?" He asked, puzzled.

I shook my head no.

"Hmm that's interesting."

There was a long, uncomfortable, silence following his recent discovery.

"Well, all I can tell you is that you hit your head while we were out here camping. Before you ask we are just friends." He replied with a small smile.

For some reason I felt that what he was telling me was a complete lie. His demeanor screamed at me to run for my life. Yet his eyes held me in my place against my will.

I found myself saying ok with a huge smile on my face. What was wrong with me? I knew something wasn't right about this guy but I couldn't help my actions. It was as if a part of me believed what he said, while the other was extremely wary of him.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

"What do you mean Bella's gone?" I screamed at Sam.

"Charlie came home and she wasn't there Paul…" I sensed an 'and' coming on.

"What else." I snipped.

Sam sighed, "The scent of vampire was surrounding the house."

I ran outside, unable to hold my human form any longer. In a burst of fur and growls I took off running in search of my imprint. I had to find her, she was mine and I was hers. I just didn't know what I would do if I lost her.

A final howl and I left behind La Push. I wouldn't be back unless I had Bella with me.

**A/N Its short I know. But it clears up some questions that were left from the last chapter. I couldn't torture you lovely viewers much longer.**


	15. Replacement

I had been searching for Bella since I left La Push over two days ago and I was starting to feel the effects of sleep deprivation. Even being the supernatural creature I was left me susceptible to the typical human feeling of exhaustion.

Against my wolves permission, I shifted back to look for some type of sustenance to feed my growling stomach.

It was then I realized the true extent of the imprint. I would do anything; including starving myself, for the only girl I would ever look at for the rest of my life.

Quickly, I untied my shorts from my leg and slipped them on.

The most important thing at the moment, next to finding Bella, was finding some food.

Xxxxxxxxxxx

"Are you sure we shouldn't head back? I did hit my head hard enough to forget who I am, so I'm pretty sure that dictates I see a doctor." I asked, still wary of the man who said we were friends.

There was something about his piercing gold eyes that screamed 'danger'. The deepest parts of my mind yelled at me to run but my new predicament of not remembering who I was, left me in a bind. I knew I shouldn't stay with him but I had no idea who or where I was and running would be pointless.

So my only true option that ended in any chance of survival was to stay with the stranger and hope that he didn't have some psychotic plan to kill me.

"I'm positive you're fine, nothing that a little rest won't fix. So stay here and I'll go find you something to eat." He said in an otherworldly voice. The pitch of his voice was so serene, so calming, that it was almost angelic. It was another one of his traits that had my mind throwing up red flags.

The characteristics of this man had an itching of a memory, burning somewhere deep in my subconscious, begging for me to acknowledge it. But no matter how hard I tried, the only image or thought that I could conjure was a pair of haunting familiar brown eyes. They almost seemed to beg me to remember; remember me, to remember who the they belonged to. As hard as I wracked my brain, I just couldn't.

"Great now I have a headache on top of this mess." I groaned as the familiar ache presented itself in my temples.

I rubbed them in hopes the persistent throbbing would be reduced, to no avail.

So I opted to do as the man said and rest, then hopefully I would wake up fresh minded and if I was really lucky, remember who I was.

Xxxxx

It was completely in my favor, the girl didn't know who she was and I could easily take her if I wished to. But I wasn't certain that was what I wanted anymore.

Taking her had been a spur of the moment decision, admittedly a bad one.

But the little voice, that was becoming stronger, whispered ideas, ones that I had so long wished for to come true.

I could essentially have her back, maybe not with all the memories we shared, but I could have her once again. All I had to do was convince this girl, Bella, that she was my dear Tanya. They were virtually identical, save for the hair. Bella had wavy hair whereas Tanya had straight, something that could be simply remedied.

It was that easy.

I just wasn't sure if I was willing to risk the chance that when I turned her, all her memories would return and I would once again be without my beloved.

Those damn wolves, the very ones Bella smelled of, had taken my Tanya from me_._

_I suppose it would only be right to return the favor._ The demon coerced.

That tantalizing thought put pressure on my waning control.

_Just change her; she would make a perfect Tanya. I'm sure you will find no other opportunity like this one._

The voice was saying all the right things to me and it was right, I wouldn't ever find another who resembled my beloved as well as Bella Swan did.

With that revelation, her fate was sealed.

She would be mine, my Tanya, my mate.

**A/N. Yeah so how do you like my crazy take on Edward? So out of character, I know but hey this is my story isn't it. Lol. Anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter!**


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